I'm as sick today as I was 8 years ago. I hate snakes, my fear has a physical effect on my body and every time I think about my daughter I get that same feeling. 

  After I have seen a snake and know I'm safe I shiver and giggle a little in relief. Oh how I wish I could experience that feeling.

It has been a cold and rainy day here in the realm, one of those days that might just send you back to bed for a nap or at least a blankie and a book or movie. Not me I have been busy harvesting crops.
I forgot I did go back to bed this morning, Pa went to Lowe's (his home away from home) and I piddled around the inter-net instead of sleeping. Then I got to work, no then I called Pa, who was about to have lunch with TD, and said I wanted to go to the Loveless Cafe. It was after our drive and lunch that I worked hard, no then I was cold so I wrapped up and watched a movie in between my zombie farming. Was it then that I worked? Well, yes I guess I did, I looked up something for Pa, planted some more crops and started to check out FarmWife's blog but ended up here. That's hard work isn't it? After all it is a cold and rainy night. I'm putting in my last crop of the day, heading over to FW's blog and calling it a night. I'm exhausted..............

Christmas has gone, not one of my best. There has been little music, very little cooking, no baking and no sewing, what have I done with all my free time? I wish I could tell you but I don't even remember and maybe I really don't want to. Christmas has not been bad for the most part it is just that it has not been like the past ones. We didn't make the trip home this year, that brought moments of sadness during the events of the day but we enjoyed the day just the same.
Bubba and Beck have been over more this week them in a long time because of their vacation time.
Today we cleaned out the old shed and if all goes well that ugly thing will soon be gone. Thank you Pa, Bubba and Beck and thank the Lord no one has been hurt in the cleaning out and hauling off of all the junk.
Princess left Christmas night and has not been home since then. She is back and forth on were she stands on staying married, it hurts to think of her back in his control but....that's what choice is about. She called Pa and said HT wasn't feeling good so she was going to stay with him, my thought is bring him home but....
The days ahead will bring a new busy to my life and perhaps come next Christmas there will be cooking, baking and sewing back in this most wonderful time.

October is almost over, lets just hear a loud che...October is almost over, lets just hear a loud cheer, if it is like this one next year I'm taking up beer. That is right, I would just as soon be drunk then ride the roller coaster I have been on this past month. For some reason, in the past 5 years, October and January have become months that I have been so very glad to see come to an end. January has become the month of sickness for me. I tell myself that it is because I get so run down during the holidays that I just catch whatever is going around. I also hold to the thought that, since I am a stay at home Grammy, Pa brings in bugs from work and they like me better them him because I end up in bed and he goes on to work.October is a different story, it is a month of sadness for me. The days can be warm and clear with all the beauty of fall or gray and rainy it makes no difference, always behind the view is a cloud of lonely sadness. Perhaps it is just that cycle of life, that time of getting ready for the deep sleep of snow covered days, or the coming of long days filled with to much dark. This year October has seen a time of rest turned into a time a uneasiness, waiting for G-pa M&M pacemaker replacement and recovery. Princess coming to the end of her marriage, her an HT moving back home, Bubba going through a bad time with work, Bucka's mind returning to a time when life wasn't so good and Mom having to live through that again. Yesterday G-pa M&M being moved from assisted living to shelter care and having trouble eating. Yet there are moments of joy that take the sting out. HT is awesome and has the t-shirt to prove it, we have 3 goldfish living at our house, a friend is able to do her college work because we have wi-fi she can use, one of the best is that My Aunt B gave me quilt tops that were put together by my great grandmother and aunt. The best is that no matter how mad, sad or bad things get I am loved. Loved by the God of all creation, by a man who does not understand me most of the time, by children who let me fuss at them still, because in their hearts they know that I only want them to be their very best, by parents who still want me to be my best, and by grandchildren who, at this time in their lives, thinks I am one of the greats and by friends. How cool is that? So as another October comes to an end, I can look back and be thankful, looking forward to November and the celebration of thankfulness.

Magnificent adj.
grand, splendid, impressive, imposing, glorious. superb, noble, stately.

Machiavellian adj.
unscrupulous, unprincipled, opportunistic, conniving, calculating.

Mix and Match
impressively conniving
superbly calculating

"You were easier to take care of when you were small" My mom said that about us children, when we were teenagers. I thought she was crazy, but now I see the small truth in the statement. I have no desire to stunt my children's growth, the truth is that we are either growing or we are stunted. I have in the past few weeks watched one of my start to grow out of a stunted period. I have watched life return in tiny bits and long for a continuous growth. I have also watched that growth stunned by the person who longs to own and control my child, yes own and control. This is a very hard thing to watch and to try to navigate through as we do not know what tomorrow holds.

Today's blessing...yesterday is gone. Today there is a tiny, tiny, tiny speck of better-ness

Get out, and stay out, I am there tonight, I have tried to and will continue to try and keep me and my, out of the conflict they do not belong. Tonight I am sick, my stomach turns upside down and wants to empty with each thought. How am I going to look at you again without hearing the hate in your voice? Will my child be safe or will every word be hunted for a double meaning? Is there to be real freedom? Tonight I say no, tonight I say you won't change, you don't want to, you have a thin layer that will fall off in a second. Tonight I see a life time of egg shells cracked and broken, not by just one but by all who cause you to supect my child.